It's almost one in the morning.
I've been watching the Ouran High School Host Club.
For hours.
Maybe I'm a bit of an otaku.
But that's not what this is about.
I've learned something recently.
About relationships
And longing
And I guess just affection in general.
Don't worry.
I'll start writing in normal paragraphs and sentences somewhere in here.
Probably.
Anyway.
It's almost one in the morning.
Did I say that already?
I did.
Bear with me.
I finish episode 22,
And Kaoru's realizing that his brother is leaving him behind
And it's sad.
But anyway.
I look over next to me,
And no one is there,
And there's a certain person
That I want to be there,
But he isn't.
And even though I'm fully aware of the lacuna on the couch next to  me,
I lean to the side,
Cock my head,
And look up
And I know he's not there
But I'm not sure if he specifically is not there,
Or if it's only that no one is there.
I've noticed that when I feel lonely
I tend to project that loneliness onto the guy closest to me at the time. I don't cuddle with them or anything, but I'll punch them lightly in the arm
Because punching him in the arm
Was something I would do
When he was here.
And when I get a big warm hug from any guy friend,
It gives a level of comfort
That girl friend hugs
Just don't give me.
From this I realized
Why I dated my ex.
I was young
And in love
But no with him,
Just in love
In general.
Edgar Allan Poe wrote along the same lines, but I don't remember the story, so I'll probably add a comment or something with the name of it. Anyway.
There's this dude,
And he falls in love with this girl.
She's pretty and fun.
And he could have fallen in love with anyone pretty and fun.
He really did love her, but not for her. Just for love. This guy, I ... probably don't love him. But I'm not just infatuated with someone. I am infatuated with him, specifically. It's very different.
I know because I don't always miss him specifically.
Sometimes I just have general loneliness and project it onto him.
But sometimes I miss him specifically.
It's different.
But at least I get it now.
But I could almost stroke his absent face.