photography-de-lesprit

I Don't Particularly Like Yeats

Wed, 04 Dec 2013 03:15:43 +0100

(He's a very famous poet, if you didn't know.)
Why, you ask? Let me guess: I like poetry, so I must like Yeats.
Wrong.
For one thing, his poetry isn't that phenomenal. And non-phenomenal poetry is a forgivable fault in most people, but not in poets, and especially not in poets well-known for their phenomenal poetry. If he has such a title, he should have earned it.
There's a more personal level, though. It's not just that his poetry doesn't suit my fancy.
He was pretty much a jerk.
I don't feel like putting up the whole story, but go on wikipedia and look up Margot Ruddock (don't worry, it's a dishearteningly short article- only a few paragraphs). I do identify myself with her. Maybe that's not a wonderful thing to brag about, but it's true. And I also- even before all the drama, before I knew about MR, anything- I've always compared Mr. Marine to Yeats. So yes, there is a melodramatic, personal, passive-aggressive element to this.
And you know? Maybe Margot was crazy. I don't really care. He still chigged her.
So this guy is the epoch of poets. This guy is what we're related to. This guy is our standard.
I don't essentially approve.

The Perfect Relationship?

Sat, 09 Nov 2013 19:36:25 +0100

I might ramble here a bit. But I'm just speculating.
When Mr. Marine and I were talking, I had told one of my friends that I could see us staying the way we were forever. Never really settling things, just going through life as a huge part of each other's lives, in contact, never committing but never leaving, and that I kinda liked the idea. It was very 'us.' It had been working fine to that point and I really liked the idea. Well, Mr. Marine and I don't talk anymore but I still like the idea.
Just picture it, though. I don't want kids. Children are not a desire which I have. That's just me. And what if, and I could see it, but what if I find this guy and we hit it off, we go on dates and stuff, but we just never bother to get married? Like we go through college, get our degrees, our jobs, continue to go on dates, talk on the time, maybe even eventually fall in love (although that's honestly not something I see myself doing), but just chillin'. Not cohabitating (because I have moral issues with that) but... do you get what I'm saying? Just warm and cozy, forever. And it's a weird thought when you think of us old but (1) I don't intend to grow old (die young) and (2) even if we did get old it would still be kinda cute.
I dunno. Just a thought.

Regarding Henry's Wife

Fri, 04 Oct 2013 19:33:51 +0100

This is a poem but it totally screwed up my format on the poetry page because of some of the really long lines, so I need to post it here instead. Written while I watched the film Regarding Henry (excellent movie).

Regarding Henry's Wife

Phantom images, memories,

Daydreams and aspirations

Parade around inside my brain's

Deepest desires and bear your features,

Your voice,

Your face,

Your God-sent touch

And make me miss you

As if I didn't already

For all you are,

For all you will be,

For all we could be,

Make me irresponsible,

Saying things I shouldn't say,

Make me want you more

And I already wanted you plenty.

All the words I want to say,

All the words I want to hear

But have no business hearing,

Saying,

Desiring.

But still the longing like the fist of Atlas

Grips my heart

And I have no right to reach for you

But I do and I have no right to grip your memory

Like I lifeline

But I do...

I do

I shouldn't but I do

I do

I do I do I do I do I do I do I do I do I do I do I do I do I do I do I do I do I do I do I do I do I do I do I DO I DO I DO I DO I DO I DO I DO I DO I DO IDOIDOIDOIDOIDOIDOI!DO!I!DO!I!DO!I!DO!I!DO!I!DO!IDO!IDO!IDO!IDO!

But I do

College Life and Updates

Mon, 04 Nov 2013 02:42:12 +0100

I know it's been forever. I've been really busy with school and everything, but I just want to sum up some stuff.
GOD IS GOOD. He has been doing so much in my life since I was on last! I'm about to upload at least twelve poems, all written in the last month. Since I stopped talking to a certain Marine. And it would be a pointless and pathetic lie to say it hasn't been hard, that even last night, if I hadn't been with some people I didn't know that well, I would have cried a little bit (originally it was regular total breakdowns). He really is amazing. And if you could pray for him, that would be fantastic, cause all I ever want for him is for him to be close to God's own heart. I fully believe that this is God's method of testing him, as well as testing me. Through His testing of me, I have learned the meaning of true faith, and I have been forced to find my completeness in Him, or to be empty (see poem "A Million Years, Alternate"). And He has made me complete in Him. I learned to come before His throne, broken, pathetic, and plead- sometimes pushing back a scream, sometimes incapable of more than whimpering- His promises that He has made to me, to all of us. And as He has said, He is faithful to keep them, and has. I am blessed. I serve a marvelous awesome loving unspeakable God. One day I will have the words to praise Him properly, but today is not that day.
I could talk about that more, and if you want me to, contact me. But I'm gonna move on now.
I've met some awesome people. Some are just really fun, some are encouraging, some are just all-around fantastic. My teachers are all great, and since I'm at a Christian college, a few of them even choose to start off class every period with a devotional. My brother and his wife are seniors here and I get to see them all the time and hang out at their apartment and his wife is an awesome cook which makes my life that much better. There was a MASSIVE emotional upheaval since I began this post, and I broke. Something just snapped. But everywhere I went, people were trying to offer me encouragement, an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, wise words, kind words. God's been working yet more and I am convinced that He is nowhere near done. Which is good, cause even when the road seems impossible, He's always beside me, guiding me down it, holding my hand, like a father with his beloved child. God is good, you guys. I promise you that my God is good.

Gideon and James

Mon, 04 Nov 2013 02:35:37 +0100

So I know I haven't done anything on the site in weeks, but I've been busy preparing for/starting college. And now I'm gonna put up the biggest lesson I've learned in a long time, and it has nothing to do with science.

If you keep up with the blog, you may have noticed that there's a really special guy in my life and that things aren't that easy keeping him there. Circumstances and all. But he was still really special. He is still really special.
He just can't be the same kind of special anymore.
I've been feeling really unsure about our closeness for months now, like I should let it go, but I felt like there wasn't a justifiable reason. I really liked him, he loved me, he's an amazing person and it was an amazing relationship.
But the feeling wouldn't go away.
So I've been praying, 'God, if you want me to let it go, I want to be sure. I don't want to let the best guy in the world go based on a gut feeling that may have no standing power at all. Show me.'
Well, for a while, things kept going. There was no indication other than that feeling that I needed to let go, and if you've ever had a guy like this you would no that letting go is impossible unless you are absolutely certain it's the right thing, and even then it's hard.
One of my roommates is a junior in college. She heard about me and the guy and said that she had been in a similar position the prior year, and eventually had to let go because she knew it was best for both of them. Hint number one, but I still wasn't sure. I told God, 'If a man behind a pulpit tells me I may need to let go of a person, even if there's nothing wrong with us, I'll take it as a Your will.'
A couple days later in chapel, our speaker was talking about how we should appease our conscience, whether it was over a moral issue, or a person or thing we needed to let go of even if they weren't immoral.
Crazy how God answers prayer so promptly and specifically, huh?
So I did it. I told him why, and I know he's hurt but he was very mature and understanding because he is incredible. One question, however, remained: why?
Why did I have to let him go? If we weren't doing anything wrong, and he loved God, and I loved God, and we were both benefiting spiritually from the relationship, then why? WHY?!?
I'm doing a study on James where you write out the chapter of the Bible that you're reading. I was reading the second half of James 2 and I read this:
"Was not Abraham our father justified by works when he offered up his son Isaac upon the altar? You see that faith was active along with his works, and faith was completed by his works" (ESV).
So there it is. Sometimes God makes us do hard things, give up wonderful things, wonderful people, not because they're wrong, but to complete our faith. God is using this break up to prove my faith in Him, my willingness to obey.
So even though I get the moral of the story... it's still hard. And I still need prayer. But he probably needs it more. Please pray that he'll be alright and seek God always and through everything and live for Him. And that God's will would be done, on earth as it is in Heaven.

The General Longing and Specific Affections

Tue, 17 Dec 2013 00:44:03 +0100

It's almost one in the morning.
I've been watching the Ouran High School Host Club.
For hours.
Maybe I'm a bit of an otaku.
But that's not what this is about.
I've learned something recently.
About relationships
And longing
And I guess just affection in general.
Don't worry.
I'll start writing in normal paragraphs and sentences somewhere in here.
Probably.
Anyway.
It's almost one in the morning.
Did I say that already?
I did.
Bear with me.
I finish episode 22,
And Kaoru's realizing that his brother is leaving him behind
And it's sad.
But anyway.
I look over next to me,
And no one is there,
And there's a certain person
That I want to be there,
But he isn't.
And even though I'm fully aware of the lacuna on the couch next to me,
I lean to the side,
Cock my head,
And look up
And I know he's not there
But I'm not sure if he specifically is not there,
Or if it's only that no one is there.
I've noticed that when I feel lonely
I tend to project that loneliness onto the guy closest to me at the time. I don't cuddle with them or anything, but I'll punch them lightly in the arm
Because punching him in the arm
Was something I would do
When he was here.
And when I get a big warm hug from any guy friend,
It gives a level of comfort
That girl friend hugs
Just don't give me.
From this I realized
Why I dated my ex.
I was young
And in love
But no with him,
Just in love
In general.
Edgar Allan Poe wrote along the same lines, but I don't remember the story, so I'll probably add a comment or something with the name of it. Anyway.
There's this dude,
And he falls in love with this girl.
She's pretty and fun.
And he could have fallen in love with anyone pretty and fun.
He really did love her, but not for her. Just for love. This guy, I ... probably don't love him. But I'm not just infatuated with someone. I am infatuated with him, specifically. It's very different.
I know because I don't always miss him specifically.
Sometimes I just have general loneliness and project it onto him.
But sometimes I miss him specifically.
It's different.
But at least I get it now.
But I could almost stroke his absent face.

I Once Stole a Candy Watch from my Cousin. Am I a Serial Killer?

Mon, 15 Jul 2013 13:47:47 +0100

So in James 2, the Bible says that even if we live perfect lives, if we mess up once, we've basically trashed the whole law and we're guilty of all of. In the sermon on the mount, Jesus says that to hate someone is the same as to murder them, and to lust after a woman is the same as to have slept with her. And a lot of people stumble with this, because surely murder is worse than anger! ... right? Well, isn't it??
Well I finally worked it out in my head last night. The statement I am about to make is not Gospel truth. It is my interpretation and something to think on, so take the words of one saved by grace with a grain of salt.
You are not as bad as a serial killer because you stole a candy bar from the supermarket when you were seven. You are as damned as a serial killer because you stole a candy bar from the supermarket when you were seven. You are as bad as a serial killer because, given the right conditions, you would be a serial killer. Sin is not what you do; sin is what you are without Christ.
That some find salvation is the the perfect life, unjust crucifixion, and resurrection of Jesus Christ, while others do not, is not unfair to those who were not saved; it is mercy on those who were. It is mercy that any of us are saved, because each of us is a potential serial killer/rapist/murderer/liar/petty thief. That God loves any of us at all is mind-blowing- that God loves all of us is unspeakably beautiful- that so many of us refuse Him is heartbreaking, especially to Him, the perfect lover of every imperfect soul.

Bob Jones and Next Summer

Sat, 13 Jul 2013 19:53:15 +0100

Alright! So in about a month, I will be heading off to... *take a deep breath and drumroll* .... BOB JONES UNIVERSITY!!!!! WOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yep, I'm heading off to college. And, as can be expected as a nursing major freshman to be, I am.... very very afraid. BUT also excited! Cause I met one of my roommates at orientation, also a freshman, this awesome crazy chick named Ashante who reminds me of one of my best friends in the world, Amber, who will be staying home. So I'm excited about that. Also, because Bob Jones is one of the greatest campuses, like, ever. I love it. And my brother and his new wife have one year left there, so I'll have them to help me through, and I get to meet some other science majors I've connected with who will be freshmen this year, and it's gonna be awesome. And hard. And scary. But, hopefully, mostly awesome.
I'm also hoping for a lot of guidance from God on the path He wants me to take in my life. I'm pretty sure I'll eventually be teaching at a nursing school in Shanghai (the one in China) but I'm not entirely positive yet. It y'all could pray for wisdom and discernment and such for me, it would be greatly appreciated!
There is one thing about Bob Jones, though. It's a Christian college (which is beastly) and it's rather conservative (which I also like). The negative aspect it that is has some rather restrictive dress and behavioral codes, and I'm worried that some of my odd/otaku/craziness may be repressed and eventually quenched.. in other words... I may be toned down!! *cue depressing stage music* So, I'm making two lists here: one of things that I will do during the year to keep myself weird, and another of things which I desire to do over the next summer while the student guide does not direct my actions.

During the year:
1. Wear furry hats
2. Wear very bright clothing
3. Test makeup boundaries (can I have eyeliner stars under my eyes?)
4. Wear shoes which do not match
5. Wear jeans stylishly inside dorms
6. Frequently Skype weird friends not at college with me
7. Continue to blog
8. READ. For fun. Whenever possible.
9. Be very social.
10. Do not let hair go back to normal color!
11. Always put effort into appearance
12. Keep writing
13. Keep up blog
14. Keep up poetry love affair
(This list subject to updating)

Things to do next summer:
1. Dye hair unnaturally raven black
2. Get nose stud piercing
3. Read lots of manga (in case not possible at college)
(List VERY subject to update)

Loveable Quote of the Day (on Grace)

Thu, 13 Jun 2013 21:47:55 +0100

Alright, so here it is, this thing that made me so happy that I am writing a blog on how much I love something:
"Grace means that all of your mistakes now serve a purpose instead of serving shame."
khvfgjgs.
I love this so much, because this is so true, and so refreshing, and so happy-making, and so, so, so beautiful.
Grace is an instrument that God uses to show us His love. Grace is when God says, "Yeah, I know you made of mess of your life, and of lots of other people's lives, but hey, I still love you, and I love all of them, and I'm also awesome enough that I can use this to make something beautiful, something glorious, something good, even though you can't." Grace means that even if I don't listen to common sense and other people get hurt, He can use that. Grace means that even if I disobey and make a fool of myself, He can use that. Grace means that even though I turn away from God and hurt Him and kick pig slop all over His beautiful plan for my life, He still has a beautiful plan for my life.
Grace is the opportunity to serve and to love and to be loved by a God so amazing that He is willing to love me, despite all of my faults and failures, because He is amazing enough to make the cesspool that is this sinner a son [daughter] of the One who created the world and sent His Son to die for it.
"But He giveth more grace." James 4:6a
"Thus says the LORD:”The people who survived the sword found grace in the wilderness; when Israel sought for rest, the LORD appeared to him from far away. I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you." Jeremiah 31:2-3
"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." II Corinthians 12:9
"Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Hebrews 4:16
"And now I commend you to God and to the word of his grace, which is able to build you up and to give you the inheritance among all those who are sanctified." Acts 20:32
"But to each one of us grace was given according to the measure of Christ's gift." Eph. 4:7

Hate-able Quote of the Day: There is No Force Equal to That of a Determined Woman

Wed, 12 Jun 2013 16:51:03 +0100

There is no force equal to that of a determined woman. Is that so?
Please. Please shut up. Just shut up.
Because guys aren't determined, and if they are, it doesn't accomplish anything. Certainly not as much as when a woman is determined. This... is not one of the most sexist quotes I have ever heard. But it's one of the most mature sexist quotes I've ever heard. Because, yes, sexism can favor women, and these days, it typically does.
Let's assume for just a second that girls aren't more prone to complain to their girlfriends when their boyfriends do something, like, have another friend who is a female, maybe even give her a hug. Let's pretend that girls going to Magic Mike isn't anywhere near as bad as guys going to a strip show (both of which, btw, are disgusting). Let's pretend that girls are the ones who fight for multiple years to get that perfect guy, or who fight for months to hold onto him until they realize that he just doesn't want the relationship and they can't change his mind. Let's pretend that girls don't ever cheat, and if they do, they always make up for it. And let's pretend, let's just pretend, that girls don't freak out over every little thing and have breakdowns and start fights over things like a guy going to sleep in a text conversation without saying goodnight.
Now let's remind ourselves that girls are prone to the opposite of this pretended behavior, and that GUYS PUT UP WITH IT. ALL THE TIME. LIKE, ALL THE FLIPPIN' TIME. And then we can talk about how girls are determined and always get what they want done and always work through their problems, because that's totally what they do.
Oh, wait.
THEY DON'T.